little place for me to vent and talk about my life since i refuse to get a therapist and WANT to talk about my life. general trigger warnings are ...something adjacent to child sexual abuse but not really, self harm, general displays of mental illness. Okayyyyy
i was exposed to pornography very early. i can't remember any specific age, but i was very young. i remember drawing what i saw--- men with their penises out, women spreading their legs. one drawing still sticks out to me this day--- people talking with holes cut in their clothes to show their genitals. i was 8.
i don't know why my mother never saw what was happening until it was too late ... wow that sounds ominous. she only found out about my porn addiction when i started talking to older people online. 16 to 21 to 30 year olds when i was 10-12 years old, on discord and amino. she got very mad at me. yelled, broke my cheap phone, took away all enjoyment. and yet i kept doing it, just sneakier. i kept going back to showing off my body to older men online, voice chats, erps, all of it. i still get that itch to make a new discord account sometimes. i feel a lot more disgusted than aroused now, though, which stops me. i wish i didn't think of it at all.
i started cutting myself when i was 12. i had a bad friend group on discord--- full of edgy teenage nazis who thought they needed to cut to the bone to be valid. i really wanted to join in. i did have thoughts of self harm and suicide beforehand, but i could only bite at my skin until it bled. i didn't have any tools. they told me to use a pencil sharpener blade, and i did. i never cut deeper than a cat scratch.
my mom has always washed my hair for me. i told her i can try doing it myself. she was proud, almost cried. i always struggled with my hair. she never knew it was me hiding my cuts. i'm currently 4 months clean.
some things have made me pause. my father opening a pencil sharpener and going "oh, theres no blade on this side". my mom telling me she's scared to leave me alone. if i'm tired in "that" way.
i actually quite enjoy the feeling of hopelessness, eternal melancholy.