I AM aromantic-- I usually lack the feeling of love and romantic attraction and my brain skips right into sexual attraction. BUT. My lord do I yearn for a romantic relationship. Or do I?? That's my issue. IDK what the hell I want. I want to be loved but I don't want the romantic intimacy because it makes me nauseous. It feels like I just want someone to love me and that's it. But I also DO want intimacy. I want to be held and pet and kissed. I don't even know if I'm aromantic. I think it's a 50/50 i dunno. Or it depends on who is doing it. Maybe all my previous experiences just made me feel gross because deep inside me, I didn't want it, even if I thought I wanted it. I dunno. WHo knows?!

I just really wish I could be with Light san..... I wonder if he'll find this. I wanna live under Light's roof and eat whatever kibble he puts in front of me. I want him to keep me in a kennel while he leaves the house because I'm still in training and he doesn't trust me to be out and about yet. I want him to come home and let me out and pet me on the couch. I want our relationship to be more than online friends who sext sometimes!!! I wonder if Light san knows I've blocked people because the thought of them makes me jealous and wanna keep Light all to myselfff. I really wish I still lived in the US just so that I could hang out with Light san IRL. Everytime I see Light san is online I wanna bother him but I don't wanna bother him because he has important things to do that are Way more important than listen to me whine all day. I want Lighttttt waaaahhhhhh :sob:

I know one day I'll have to let go of Light because I'll probably never get the opportunity to live near him and all my relationships like this always come to an end at some point. And Light will definitely get with the people he wants to be with, since all I am is his dog and He doesn't want to date me no matter what I want..... I don't deserve to be Light's partner anyway... :'(

Umm other than Light I have a crush on 2 boys IRL. One is my best friend and is in 3 of my classes and the other is only in Two and I don't talk to him.... and both of their names R Max!! That's crazy!! I kinda wanna date my best friend but I also don't cuz . I dunno. I feel like I'm cheating on Light even tho we aren't dating and I am, again, just his dog... but I like how Max treats me. Also idk if Max will respect me as a trans man. I told him when we met and all he asked was "are you one of those trans people that will freak out if they get misgendered on accident" and I said NO cuz I'm NOT that kinda person. But the issue is I am the COMPLETE opposite. Like. He has never called me Liam or a he and constantly refers to me as woman and I'm too scared to correct him because I don't want our relationship to be tense and I don't want him to get upset with meeeee. :( He DID say he was pansexual so that's not an issue. But queer sexuality people can always be transphobic..... :(((

I have noticed that my art is a lot better if I draw while I'm going thru an episode or feel really really bad so I might just make myself draw rn to get over all of this. Maybe I can force myself to draw something for every one of these journals... Ideassss Ideassss